Nicholas’s Blog

Today (30 Sept 2008), my grandma has finally being laid to rest in peace. Her funeral procession started sharp at 10 in the morning with prayers, sermons and songs attended by close friends, sisters and brothers of the church, relatives and family members. All of her daughters and sons to grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there to bid her farewell and send her to rest for the last time. She’s 83 this year and past away due to old age and lung infections.

I still remember we had lunch with her to celebrate her birthday last month on Merdeka Day. We celebrate her birthday earlier since almost everyone is back for the weekend long holiday. We were still happy and laughing during the banquet and as usual, I still tell her jokes to make her laugh. I always wanted to make her happy because I can’t be by her side all these while since I’ve been working in KL. My family and I have been visiting her almost every Sundays since she has been admitted to the ‘Nursing & Caring Home’ after her recovery from stroke five years ago. And because of the medical attention required for her condition, it’s best to put her under the care of fulltime nursing attention.

She would be so happy when we visit her. Once in a while, when I was back from KL to see her, I’ll always tease her by asking who I am. Then she would have a hard time trying to recall my name. We always had a good time talking to each other telling jokes among my family and she would just laughed non-stop. She really love and care about me as to all of her grandchildren. She would always advice me to work harder at my job and said that I’ll find a nice and kind girlfriend as wife. Although I’ve yet to have any girlfriend, but I hope one day this will come true.

On the third week of September, just after the Mid Autumn Festival, I got a call from my brother saying that grandma has been admitted to the hospital due to difficulty in breathing. The doctor had performed a check-up on her and found that her lung is infected. So they did all the necessary treatment on her and discharged after a few days later. I was told that she can barely move and she can’t even eat anything but only milk which is fed to her through a hose in her nose. I can imagine how difficult it’s for her and how she’s suffering from all this. So I tried to go back and see how she is on the following Saturday as I get to know that a friend of mine is going back to my hometown as well. I told my mum that I would go back on the following Saturday which she told it to my grandma. My grandma even replied with a happy and exciting tone saying “HOU!” (means good in Cantonese) expecting for my return. To my surprise, my friend had to cancel the trip due to unforeseen circumstances. As a result, I’ve to figure out other ways to get back ASAP.

Just on that very same Saturday, which I was supposed to go back to my hometown to see her, I received a shocking message from my brother saying that grandma is in seriously critical condition. He asked me better to return home ASAP to see her for the last time. But before I could even do anything, on that same evening, I received a call again from my sister in her sobbing voice telling me that grandma had past away.

At that moment, I was totally blank and just don’t know what to do. I felt so guilty that I can’t keep my promise to go back and see her. I hate myself so much that I can’t even see her for the last time before she left. I’m so useless I only cried that whole night. During my trip going back for her funeral last Sunday, I keep thinking about her during my childhood days until now I’ve become a young adult. In my memories, she’s always a kind and caring mother and grandmother. She’s the kind of person that always gives the best for her children and grandchildren but left none or the worst for herself. I even remembered there was once when I was still a kid, I sneaked into her room and played with my grandpa’s tobacco stuff. She caught me in the act and scolded me but I shouted her in return. Thinking about this, I felt so regret and how stupid I am. Now only did I realize that to scold is to love. Only people she loved and cared that she really care to scold as she wants what’s best for her/him.

When I finally reached home, on that night, after I’ve greeted everyone, I walked slowly towards the altar where her picture is with flowers and everything. I tried to hold back to myself and walked nearer to the casket all alone to see her at last. Through the misty glass, I wiped it clear and saw her face resting peacefully just like she was sleeping. I stared deeply onto her face for some time and said to her, “Po Po, I’ve come back to see you.” And tears started to fill in my eyes.

Po Po, I love you forever… may your soul rest in peace. Amen.

Have you ever felt hurt over someone who is either your loved one or close friend? I had & it’s not a bit fun at all which makes things even harder. Things are not easy to fall in place & you feel frustrated that so many well-intentioned attempts seem to fall flat, go unappreciated or even get misunderstood. I find that there are many hiccups in my love life or even just a simple friendship right now & it seems like one never-ending tragic-comedy. Throwing a tantrum or giving the silent treatment makes matters worse.

Maybe I’ve been reading all the wrong signals, for now I just feel grouchy & unromantic as everything I see is in black & white. I can just feel there is this irksome energy hovering in the air which acts like thorns in the relationship. Even small things upset & frustrate me.

And because of this, I’ve been saying hurtful things to even one of my closest friends which I now live to regret them. I’ve always been cool & clear-minded when it comes to relationship but I was so wrong until I met her. Maybe she’s not only a close friend to me. She’s someone special… a special friend to me. Somehow, I can’t regain my composure & right judgment. And that’s when misunderstandings slipped in aggravating an already fragile sentiment.

I did something stupid which makes me look like an incompetent fools. I expect something in return from what I’ve given out which is wrong. In my case, I expected to get the same amount of love & caring for what I’ve given to her. And only later did I realize that I was so wrong. My thinking is shallow & superficial hence the only thing left between us is heartache.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And at the end, I learned a costly lesson. As the saying goes, don’t expect something in return from what you’ve given out. If the more you put hope in this, the more you’ll get hurt! Refrain from saying hurtful things even in the heat of an argument. Don’t say things you don’t mean to the ones you love. Please forgive me for what I’ve said & done. My stupidity is the reason for all this happened. I just wanted to let you know that I still love & care for you… -Nicholas

I just bought a ring last week. It was nothing expensive like white gold or platinum. Not even a silver ring. Just a simple ring made of stainless steel material. But is its’ design that meant something special to me. It’s like two rings being stick together & become one. One side of the ring is shiny polished and the other one side is matted finished.

The first sight of the ring gives me the impression that the shiny & polished side of the ring represents the girl that I care & love. And the other matted side represents the man.

When I first tried on the ring, in a way naturally, I wear it with the shiny side in & the matted side out. Only after a while did I realize that it’s like a man standing in front of his loved one, keeping her safe from harm & protecting her where ever she goes. I like the ring so much I never even look at the others.

From there on, I’ve been wearing the ring like the first time I put it on. I want to learn to be like the man, standing in front of my loved one, keeping her safe from harm & protecting her where ever she goes. And I’ll like her so much I’ll learn never even to hurt her as much as possible.

*Dedicated to my 2nd female close friend. May she find happiness in whatever she chooses to do. I’ll always be by her side as her guardian angel. -Nicholas